‘The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart and all they can do is stare blankly.’ The Great Gatsby

2020 was a nightmare

For most of the world

For most people I know

For me

It was still better than 2019

The year I fell apart

And painstakingly put myself back together

I know that might seem surprising to you

With all the devastation, isolation and chaos of this year

But if you’ve ever experienced a mental health crisis

You know

There is nothing worse

No physical pain

No physical illness

More horrific than when your own mind turns on you

You see

There’s little reprieve

No painkiller

No ice pack

No amount of Netflix

That could have eased the chaos that was ensuing in my brain

I think back to that time period

I couldn’t eat

I was using drink supplements to sustain myself

During COVID, we’ve baked wonderful desserts and made tasty meals that I’ve enjoyed so thoroughly

Then, I couldn’t sleep

Now during this quarantine, I take naps during the day

Then, I couldn’t stay in my own home

Now my home is my oasis

Then I was scared to be alone

Now I wouldn’t mind so much if Joey was out of the house a bit more 😬

Then, Joey would leave for the day

I would feel the dread in every cell of my being

I remember waiting for my parents to come over

To just be with me

And trying to take my mind off the wait

I showered

And it was excruciating

Every single second

My brain told me everything was wrong

Now I can enjoy my showers and look forward to when I can take a bath again (it’s a work in progress)

So I know many of you have experienced rock bottom moments during this year

And I don’t take the deaths of so many lightly

It’s been devastating and I can surely sympathize with the losses people have experienced

But I hope

You can understand

Why this year will not go down in history for me

As the worst year ever

No

That title is still held by 2019

The effects of which I may never fully recover from

I hope you can wear your invisible survival of 2020 badges proudly

But I survived 2019

The year I fell apart

And put myself back together

4 thoughts on “‘The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart and all they can do is stare blankly.’ The Great Gatsby”

  1. Dearest Angela, you pulled yourself out of the worst year and all the horrible things that happened to you. YOU did that, mostly on your own. If only You can see yourself the way others see you! You are a force to be reckoned with! You will always be my Angela Warrior! I am beyond proud of you! Bonita was so right about you! You were and still are my miracle baby! Love you so much! Ma❤️❤️❤️❤️

    Sent from my iPad

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  2. 2020 hasn’t been the worst year for me, either, and I think what you’ve been through gives you a broader perspective of such events like this pandemic. While I hate what you’ve had to experience, I hope you can hold on to those memories when times get tough so you know what you’ve survived; if you can overcome that and continue to put yourself back together, than you can handle anything that life throws your way.

    Sending lots of love and my very best wishes for a brighter New Year. 🎉 xxxx

    Like

  3. You should feel nothing but pride for what you accomplished and continue to do

    Joey Paterno
    ________________________________

    Like

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