It’s been awhile since I last wrote
There’s been a lot to process and adjust to
I was advised pretty early on to stay home
Which I’ve done
I’ve been home for 43 days
Every day I’ve struggled with anxiety and/or depression
It’s been one thing or another
As someone with mild agoraphobia I find it pretty ironic that being cooped up has me feeling anxious
Now all I want to do is go out and see people
I’ve had a few meltdowns
I feel afraid that if I do catch this virus, I’ll be one of the people that doesn’t make it through
I’m afraid that if it comes down to it
And we’ve run out of ventilators
I’ll be cast aside for a healthy persons survival
I’ve often thought and regretted having done my Lemtrada treatment
Which has made me extra vulnerable at this time
I keep thinking that if I hadn’t done it
Then maybe I wouldn’t have to be so cautious
I wouldn’t have the added worry of the blood disorder that I got as a side effect
There’s a whole lot of what ifs and coulda beens
It’s the lack of control that is particularly anxiety provoking
Which I’m sure is the case for many people
Who are not anxiety sufferers
I’ve been thinking a lot about the kids and youth who aren’t in school
I feel sorry that they’re stuck at home and I worry about the impact this will have on their mental health even when this is over
I keep thinking that the repercussions of this will be felt for many years to come
Economically, socially, emotionally…
And well
We’ve been pretty lucky thus far
We’ve been spoiled
Living in a society and part of the world where we don’t have to worry as much as others
So I’m not really sure I have a handle on how to adapt to this weird new ‘normal’
I’m not sure anyone does
I know that I can only take it day by day
Minute by minute
I can only focus on the right now
I can’t worry about tomorrow because it’s not here yet
I am grateful for being able to make art
I am grateful to have my partner being my contact with the outside world (for groceries and meds and etc)
I am happy that my family is still healthy and safe
And more than anything
I am so fucking grateful that Covid-19 didn’t happen last year amidst losing my mind and all that 😬
Stay safe everyone
Damaged Goods 