Some mornings before I open my eyes
I think <dream> about all the things I can do during upcoming day
Maybe I can go snow shoeing
Or take the dogs for a walk
Maybe I buy a sewing machine and start making stuff
Maybe I should start looking for a job in my field
Maybe I’ll finally agree when joey asks me to go for a walk at the lake
And then I open my eyes
Instantly I feel every sensation in my body screaming awake
All the aches and pains that I can sometimes pretend don’t exist
That they don’t hinder me
But then I’m reminded
When I try to do ‘normal’ things
And I pay the consequences for weeks after
When I try to do a little sewing
And then I have to ‘rest’ my eyes for two days after
When I go get my hair done
And my body protests angrily and I have to lay down with a heating pad and keep my legs elevated
It’s becoming harder to enjoy those moments because I can see how much I’ll have to pay afterwards
And I think to myself
Some people just don’t get happy endings
Maybe I don’t need to accept MS
Or my mental health challenges
Or the shitty healthcare system we have
Maybe all I have to accept is that I’m one of those unlucky people
Who don’t get their happily ever after